what's been said, while on-the-go

0910 after my Good & Evil class
Derived from Oedipus the King,
having just recently learned on my own,
the class receives a similar lesson learned.
Reassuring to know that someone else has come to the same conclusion.
That... nothing in life is safe. As abrupt as the swift flip of a coin is, nothing remains consistently the same.
The unexpected, the unknown is not yours - out of your hands, uncontrollable. Living in utter, absolute bliss. At the peak of Mount Everest,
there you stand victoriously,
obliviously unaware of the events the next moments will soon bring.


0912
Crossing paths.
Crossing minds.
Moments for two.
Blinking images of yesterday.
Deja vu. Deja vu.
Filled empty spaces with polluted ideas.
Clean air far too long absent.
The flow of thought reaching U-turns and dead ends.
No where else to go but here,
Signs are lacking indication of direction.
My compass is dysfunctional.


0918
It is quiet. I sit here alone with my thoughts
and the distant sounds
made here,
near and far.

Concentrating on
the inner me
...the outer you.

But I know I am finished.
Now it is just a matter of completing the finished.
By completing, I mean leaving
the finished
completed.

Giving what I have left over on my plate
the title of
"left overs."

And being unwanted,
I now dispose of it.

middle ground does not exist

just wishing the puzzle pieces fit
stuck, forced living in two colliding worlds
there is no middle ground
one or the other
you must choose
longing for
understanding
within myself
understanding
beyond what i already know
yearning for
understanding
from your minds to mine
a connection that exists for the purpose of linking our thoughts as one
on one path that leads to one destination of peace and serenity
as one body
one entity
if only there were such thing

a glimpse into my soul

free association writing

09.08.08 - 2:20pm; in this foreign place, nothing is certain. EVERYTHING is UNcertain. several steps taken to reach this destination. i question my sweat and exhaustion's worth.

i feel the sun's heat beating on my back, the breeze pushing with power, as if it were speaking to me. attempting to convey its message with the strength of each blow. a foreign language I cannot understand.

5:49pm; I sit here, discovering that the wait after all is not over. discovering that the wait will probably never be over. as said before, as one chapter concludes, a new one will begin. there are only transitions. intervals that make one feel like there is no more waiting left to do. periods of time which leads and deceives one's mind into a mural of artificial colours.
the wait continues and will continue to resume until life itself comes to an end. each chapter is another test.
the wait is only over when one passes every.test.there.is.to.pass.

Overwhelmed but not yet drowning. In unanticipated problems that probably could not have been averted. Dragging them down through her honesty.
With her face in plain sight. Unmasked and raw.
She speaks.
They listen.
with welcoming ears in awe.
Through the pecking stress
she realizes how
blessed she is
nonetheless.
Awake, with eye lids lifted high.
She does not fight alone.
Rather, the unexpected is faced along with thieves who steal her fear. Forcing upon her confidence,
Energy illuminating positivity.
The buzz of pain is exactly what she wants and needs.
But living only on the surface prohibits her from understanding this.

sinking memories.
temporarily buried?
the overflowing cup is now draining.
faint and indistinguishable,
have traveled so far
that the starting point is a muffled blur.
now the ultimate destination
awaits behind this closed door,
expectantly and patiently.

so i wait for time
to signal
the turn of the key,
the twist of the knob,
the push that God has granted so graciously,
to open the door,
and let my feet
take its final steps,
towards what is destined to be.

it is here.

the new season has arrived
still warm in transition, the sun shines bright
nonetheless, here now is the fresh wave
the moment you've been longing for
savoring the feeling
feeling the healing
at last, it has arrived.

just dreamin'

like a beautiful dream. that came and went.
that passed me by. without so much a goodbye.
the saudi breeze i miss and so often crave. so pleasant and light.
the quick taste of summer in the middle of the year.
the season that i wish would just stay. that i would beg to stay.
with its cool breezes. heat waves,
washing away at the beach.
lyin' in my hammock. absorbing the sun rays' heat.
the wind rocking me so gently, side to side.
from left to right.
and right to left.

and now... i'm awake.

normal

materialistic, superficial intentions
reaching unpredicted narcissistic, egotistical assumptions.
vulnerability crept and crawled and swallowed me whole.
fallen short, fallen deep inside this pleasant, yet dark hole.
able to see the clear picture in front of me, yet incapable of feelin' what the world is tellin' me... to feel.

'cuz it's real. the colourful images to the broken promises.
the broken hopes of the fulfillment of promises,
derived from your own imagination.
it's real. no mistakes in reality's realm, one can only get what fate sells.
'cuz what you see is what you get. no more, no less.
can't ask for more while the time isn't ripe yet.
gotta move at your own pace at the dice's roll, until you pass GO,
is when you reach your goal, of gettin' more.
'cuz now you're feelin' stuck, so struck by something so unexpected,
so unforeseen, so unanticipated. you're just waiting for what comes next.
hoping that whatever it is will ease the pain, stop the rain,
make you feel less insane from this stupid game that you so often play.
like the tea cup ride that spins you round and round,
with the loud muffled sounds, you zone out,
just hopin' and wishin' and waiting
for that moment when it stops...
stops...
just stops.

where the world is still noisy, yet so silent,
like the old game that you used to play, back in the day, where you can win with anybody you face.
the world where you can't be beaten,
the world where the world can't beat YOU.
your solitude. your place of
rest. comfort. and security.
where difficulties are minimal.
where you actually feel "normal",
respond with "i'm fine" without lyin',
back to normal...
back to being free.
being me...
like how it USED to be.

Trapped in this Box

trapped in a box.
fortunate enough to have even been given small air holes that in actuality serve as peep holes.
peeping through the empty spaces between these rusted bars. afraid and scarred
you'd have thought i'd have ran miles and miles far
on my broken, yet still spinning, crooked, squeaky wheel...
or just as i look through the concave glass, i see someone staring straight back at me.
i ignore her swollen, tired eyes and try to stare past to the other side.
i see movement and activity, laughter that isn't followed by pain and disaster.
only after, do i realize that following the wall is the useless answer,
'cause i'm stuck in this lonely, small lid-opened glass ball.
defying physics, so pathetic, i attempt to try anything at all.
hoping for a shatter, even a crack, i face the wall head on...
so close, yet so far. in the dark. so untouchable, i only stare beyond the stars in wonder.
i wonder, is there more to this thing called 'life' than the cuffs that lock
my wrists and arms to this hard chair, and the stuffed sock
in my mouth that's been sealed shut with duct tape so stuck,
in this cold and empty box?
i go where you go. 'cause i feel the shock
that resounds from my neck to the tips of my toes as i try to go my way,
as i try to be expressive, suggestive, emotionally indicative.
'cause this long, extensive leash of mine is sometimes deceiving,
having me believing that i can run wild and wide in the open field that smiles
and tempts me. but every time i try, i feel a strong pull at my neck from behind that jerks my whole body back and stops me.
i try time and time again, hoping with all my might that the next time will be different.
but i disappoint myself, discovering life's dishonesty.
feelings of optimism fade as pessimism waves take over quietly.
with nothing, no one and no where to run to,
i look to the heavens above, so clouded and convoluted like my mind,
i open my mouth although nothing comes out, i scream the words silently,
"LORD, HELP ME."

written July 28, 2008

My first blog.

a test.
like everything else in life.
this is just a test.