just dreamin'

like a beautiful dream. that came and went.
that passed me by. without so much a goodbye.
the saudi breeze i miss and so often crave. so pleasant and light.
the quick taste of summer in the middle of the year.
the season that i wish would just stay. that i would beg to stay.
with its cool breezes. heat waves,
washing away at the beach.
lyin' in my hammock. absorbing the sun rays' heat.
the wind rocking me so gently, side to side.
from left to right.
and right to left.

and now... i'm awake.

normal

materialistic, superficial intentions
reaching unpredicted narcissistic, egotistical assumptions.
vulnerability crept and crawled and swallowed me whole.
fallen short, fallen deep inside this pleasant, yet dark hole.
able to see the clear picture in front of me, yet incapable of feelin' what the world is tellin' me... to feel.

'cuz it's real. the colourful images to the broken promises.
the broken hopes of the fulfillment of promises,
derived from your own imagination.
it's real. no mistakes in reality's realm, one can only get what fate sells.
'cuz what you see is what you get. no more, no less.
can't ask for more while the time isn't ripe yet.
gotta move at your own pace at the dice's roll, until you pass GO,
is when you reach your goal, of gettin' more.
'cuz now you're feelin' stuck, so struck by something so unexpected,
so unforeseen, so unanticipated. you're just waiting for what comes next.
hoping that whatever it is will ease the pain, stop the rain,
make you feel less insane from this stupid game that you so often play.
like the tea cup ride that spins you round and round,
with the loud muffled sounds, you zone out,
just hopin' and wishin' and waiting
for that moment when it stops...
stops...
just stops.

where the world is still noisy, yet so silent,
like the old game that you used to play, back in the day, where you can win with anybody you face.
the world where you can't be beaten,
the world where the world can't beat YOU.
your solitude. your place of
rest. comfort. and security.
where difficulties are minimal.
where you actually feel "normal",
respond with "i'm fine" without lyin',
back to normal...
back to being free.
being me...
like how it USED to be.

Trapped in this Box

trapped in a box.
fortunate enough to have even been given small air holes that in actuality serve as peep holes.
peeping through the empty spaces between these rusted bars. afraid and scarred
you'd have thought i'd have ran miles and miles far
on my broken, yet still spinning, crooked, squeaky wheel...
or just as i look through the concave glass, i see someone staring straight back at me.
i ignore her swollen, tired eyes and try to stare past to the other side.
i see movement and activity, laughter that isn't followed by pain and disaster.
only after, do i realize that following the wall is the useless answer,
'cause i'm stuck in this lonely, small lid-opened glass ball.
defying physics, so pathetic, i attempt to try anything at all.
hoping for a shatter, even a crack, i face the wall head on...
so close, yet so far. in the dark. so untouchable, i only stare beyond the stars in wonder.
i wonder, is there more to this thing called 'life' than the cuffs that lock
my wrists and arms to this hard chair, and the stuffed sock
in my mouth that's been sealed shut with duct tape so stuck,
in this cold and empty box?
i go where you go. 'cause i feel the shock
that resounds from my neck to the tips of my toes as i try to go my way,
as i try to be expressive, suggestive, emotionally indicative.
'cause this long, extensive leash of mine is sometimes deceiving,
having me believing that i can run wild and wide in the open field that smiles
and tempts me. but every time i try, i feel a strong pull at my neck from behind that jerks my whole body back and stops me.
i try time and time again, hoping with all my might that the next time will be different.
but i disappoint myself, discovering life's dishonesty.
feelings of optimism fade as pessimism waves take over quietly.
with nothing, no one and no where to run to,
i look to the heavens above, so clouded and convoluted like my mind,
i open my mouth although nothing comes out, i scream the words silently,
"LORD, HELP ME."

written July 28, 2008

My first blog.

a test.
like everything else in life.
this is just a test.